Heat Be Gentle

Raquel Zimmerman

On any given day from June until August it will appear as if I am perpetually having stepped out of a shower fully clothed, but alas, I have only my overly productive sweat glands to blame. Consequently, however premature, I am assiduously looking for Thanksgiving Day recipes in May, because if I could have it my way we’d skip summer all together. Simply put, I do not fair well under humidity.

Summer is by far the worst season in terms of having to endure extreme weather conditions. I could be moving at the pace of a dying snail while wearing all but a napkin and still be sweating like a whore in church. I realize no good could ever come from bragging about the excessive discharge of bodily fluids, however, I hereby appoint myself as the unofficial spokesperson for Hyperhidrosis.

Too often throughout the summer have I doused myself in cologne in fear of my natural musk repelling others (I’m probably being overly paranoid). Too long have my shirts been plagued with the unwelcomed dark stains formed underneath my armpits (People are into that, right?). Too many times have I had to excuse myself to a restroom for a quick air dry (Ok, I get why I’m single).

In preparation for the impending heat waves, I am getting reacquainted with a few products and tips I try to be mindful of in hopes that I’ll be able to minimize my serious case of the sweats this summer.

1. Stay hydrated. Drink water even when you’re not thirsty

2. Take a Vacation

3. Sweatex: Self sticking sweat pads to be placed onto your underarms

4. Drysol: A formulation dabbed onto excessive sweat areas

5. Facial oil absorbing sheets: gets rid of the shine brought on by moisturizer and sun screen

6. Restrict your social life to after the sun’s set (I mean this without wanting to sound like a Vampire)

7. Wear fabrics that start with the letter L: Linen! Lyrca! Lululemon!

8. Eat light, clean, and healthy

9. Budget your travel time in anticipation that you’ll take more underground paths and have to touch yourself up in the restroom before presenting yourself to your friends